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"How could her body be sacred if it couldn't bear life?"-Rainbow Baby: Unravelled by Loss


Samantha, my fictional character's question echoed my own. Our specialist refused to inseminate me despite five viable eggs because of the moral questions my husband and I answered. We believed all life is sacred so if all five were to implant, reduction was not an option for us. Now what?


In the middle of the muddle on the way to work, a passing truck caused me to crank the wheel of my little Geo and I caught a ridge of gravel. As I skidded out of control, I heard my dad's voice coaching me to steer straight into the ditch. When the car slipped over the edge of the steep incline, one wheel caught and flipped the car into the air. The car spun three times on its hood and landed on its wheels.While I spun, I felt an angel sit between me and the steering wheel. The airbags didn't go off. I unbuckled the seat belt and got out to check the damage. I ached but didn't have any immediate injuries. I didn't have a cell phone at the time, so I walked over to the nearby farmyard but no one was home.


When I returned to the car, a neighbor picked me up and took me back to the farm but my husband wasn't in sight. He'd gone to town and seen the car in the ditch. You can imagine his fear. We finally connected when he called home from the health center, thinking that's where he'd find me. In the meantime, I called work and told them I wasn't going to make it in. Then I called the police to make an accident report. My husband returned to take me to the doctor in a nearby town to double check that I didn't have any hidden injuries. Other than whiplash and very sore hips, all was well. The doctor informed me the airbags would have done much more harm. A police officer came to our home to ask questions about the accident.


The question about drugs caught me off guard. We had tried to keep everything underwraps with our fertility treatments because we didn't want to get our own hopes up, much less anyone else's in our family and friend circle. Did hormones count? Had I become so stuck in my head wondering if we'd ever experience a pregnancy that I had a lapse in judgment while driving? Yet the angelic encounter wouldn't leave me alone. I'd been reading in the Psalms and I knew there was a verse that talked about angels coming around people to deliver them. The verses are below.


Psalm 34:7-9 (NIV) says,

"The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear him lack nothing."


Maybe you're like me and you've never conceived. Maybe you've wrestled with the unfairness like I have. Maybe you don't see the deliverance or answer you desire.Maybe you're like my fictional character, Samantha and you had a stillborn. Maybe you've had an accident and wonder why?The refuge I've found in God and his goodness has been the safe place in the middle of loss. His constant presence in the middle of the dark provides a hope I can't explain. His love never fails and never gives up on us. He is worthy of all the reverence and awe because He gave his life for us on the cross. He gave up the majesty of heaven and suffered a horrible death because He wanted us to experience a true relationship based on his grace not our puny efforts. Our identity is no longer based on what our bodies can produce.


The angelic encounter pushed me to remember I belong to God. I am His and He will never let me go. My body is still sacred because it bears his life. You are sacred because He crafted you in your mother's womb. You are sacred because His Spirit indwells you. He holds you in the palm of His hand and will never let you go. Hold on to that in the dark.



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